motherhood, on the other hand.
so... i started a blog. as if there isn't enough going on, right?
if you're here, then you've already noticed the name miss. mrs. mama. which is about going from miss to mrs, becoming an entrepreneur along the way, and then on to my first year as mama. i thought it would be a funny play on my business name which is miss to mrs weddings. maybe it's not that funny, but more about stages of life, which, this year, feels like a big joke.
it seems when a new stage of life arises, i need a new thing. i'm not sure if that's good or bad, but i'm trying to be graceful in this processing of it. when i was getting married, my business launched, and has continued to be my full time job since (YAY!). but when i became a mom nearly a year ago, i was lost. motherhood was so foreign and i haven't had a coping mechanism to get through the dumpster fire year that was 2020, and is continuing into 2021. maybe this blog is that for me? stay tuned to find out.
anyways, names are important but the reason i'm writing is that i am struggling, and need a place to document this journey. since so many people in my life, and so many of my clients, are mamas to young children, maybe this could be a place talk about life; parenting in a pandemic, motherhood, specifically in 2020, has changed me and i'm still processing it. maybe you feel the same.
here's the background:
four years ago when my husband, mike, and i got married, i transitioned from miss to mrs, and nothing really changed. i did assume mike's last name, but aside from that, becoming a mrs changed almost nothing in my life. i don't remember feeling a new sense of identity and i don't remember people addressing me differently. with that said, i remember being stressed about the wedding (LOL). it seems so silly that in 2017, i had all the options available and didn't have to make 2020 level hard decisions, and yet i was stressed. but there i was. and so i started a business. cause clearly two months before your wedding is the best time to decide to be an entrepreneur...
when i opened my business, other than leaving my stable day job that october, nothing really changed. i wasn't suddenly a new person, no one addressed me differently, my identity didn't feel new or changed in any way that i remember at this moment. perhaps at the time, it had, but in hindsight, it sure doesn't feel like it.
in april 2019 though, when i entered motherhood, on the other hand, after becoming pregnant, everything changed. though my sweet boy, theo, wasn't born until january 2020, for me, motherhood began when i announced my pregnancy. it didn't happen all at once, but in slow moments, subtle interactions, hormones, a tide of emotions, my body changing, people addressing me as a soon to be mama, all of it. motherhood, on the other hand, changed me. i thought all those cliches about a mother being born on their child's birth day were such crap, but i felt it in the realest way possible. for the past year, it's been my reality and the only real ways i can relate to anything in life, is: motherhood, on the other hand.
more to come on this, but fast forward with me for a sec to a year later.
theo is almost one. his birthday is this coming week, and i'm feeling all the things as we approach this special day. if you are not local to me in ontario, canada, we're in a province wide lockdown due to covid19, also known as the thief of all my hopes and dreams for my baby's first year, and mike and my first year as parents. lockdown means no first birthday party, no cake smash surrounded by our families and friends, but will instead be a very small celebration, just the three of us, which i'm beyond grateful for, but also really sad about.
one of my main goals in life, and for this year, specifically, is to be unapologetically myself, which requires vulnerability so i'm told. so, this blog, these entries, will serve for me to get out of my own way, write some things down, and publish them on the internet for you all to read which is vulnerable AF. and these posts can compliment all the journal entries, calendar planning, therapy sessions, venting, crying, writing letters to theo, meditating and praying my little type a personality is doing these days to feel better.
wishing you a week of gratitude, which i'm struggling with, but practicing daily anyways, and thanks for being here, i'm grateful for you.