i'm mad at some people.

 hi friends, 

i'm mad at some people. mainly, i'm mad at covid, but selfish people choose to make an already awful situation worse, and the virus can't know if i'm mad at it, so here we are: i'm mad at some people. 

my last post was super grateful, and i do feel that way, but not exclusively. in the last few weeks, i've been struggling with the isolation that is the current stay at home order in ontario.  theo's 1st birthday was in the middle of the lockdown which became a two-week longer stay at home order, and i'm sad about it. so when my therapist encouraged me to acknowledge what is real, i wrote this post. 

i'm mad at public servants and politicians and public health workers who have travelled to beautiful carribean destinations, forgetting (or more likely, ignoring) that so many people in their community are struggling, like really, struggling. and i know some of them have been fired, YAY, but too many public representatives have made really selfish calls in this hard time which requires so much selflessness of it's citizens. don't get me wrong, i, too, dream about the warm jamaican sun, and bottomless pineapple daquiris, and the hardest choice being, "which swimsuit will i wear today?" and coming home smelling of coconut sunscreen and with a wicked tan. so, i get it. i get the desire to take a freaking vacation to somewhere warm and escape this shitshow. but i don't. because even though this is so hard, it's the right thing to do. 

i'm mad at anti-maskers holding rallies about masks, and without masks, as if doing something SO SMALL that benefits others in their community is SO INCONVENIENT. do they think about all of the women that are BIRTHING BABIES IN MASKS? cause that seems like the ultimate inconvenience, but they don't have a choice, do they? and if you are an anti-masker, my position on this isn't up for commentary, questions, or debate, but i really believe that in the history of this country, the government has asked way harder things of citizens, than wearing masks for the safety of yourself and others. yes, it's an inconvenience, but a minor one, and the benefits definitely outweigh this minor inconvenience. 

i'm mad at people who continue to gather. it's difficult watching others spend quality time with their families. it's difficult watching people in other places eat at restaurants and take their kids to aquariums and attend all the mom&baby groups. it's difficult watching grandparents interact with their grandchildren and to know that others are hugging their moms. i miss hugging my mom. i'm envious, of course. i wish it was an option to gather, to spend time having birthday parties, and sit down for meals, to have help with childcare, and watch my son be squeezed by his grandparents. i long, so bad, to take theo to a public pool to swim, and to have a date night at a restaurant with my husband, and to celebrate anyone's freaking birthday or anniversary or new job. i miss our friends. i want to play video games in person, and drink fancy water, and eat all the charcuterie my belly can handle. but it's not my call. it's the law. and in our family, we follow the law. 

what i know, is that mostly, people are doing their best. and in an unprecedented time, the benefit of the doubt goes a long way. at the same time, what is it, on god's green earth, that tells the above groups, "you're an exception, and you don't have to follow the law?" maybe part of why i'm mad is because i wish i was the type of person who didn't care, who always prioritized my own needs above the needs of everyone else who lives in my community. here's the thing though, i just can't. i just can't be that selfish. and now that we have theo, even though he's so young, how mike and i role model who we are and how we live out our values, will impact him. still, i have so many questions for the vacationers, the anti-maskers, and the selfish gatherers.

do they know there are new moms BIRTHING THEIR BABIES alone, without their partners or other supports present? do they know there are working parents who have no childcare, but are somehow managing the impossible task of doing their job and providing for their children's needs simultaneously? do they know there are businesses that are CLOSED, some permanently, their life's work or family's legacy, completely shut down? do they know that people miss their families? that their babies don't get birthday parties? do they know PEOPLE ARE DYING, and their loved ones don't get to say goodbye? do they know that weddings are cancelled, weddings that have been planned for 2+ years, CANCELLED? do they know that if they go to a hospital, and there is no space because ICUs are full, that they could die, enroute to another location? do they know this could happen to their child, their spouse, their parent? do they care? 

i know these people, in time, will face consequences. i know some of them will be fired, and spoken about in the news, and have reputations for being selfish public represenatives. i know some of them will get covid, because of not wearing masks, or maybe will experience some of the above realities, and realize that masks are important. i know that some gatherers will get fined, or will lose people in their life because of gathering. i know the consequences will happen as karma often does. 

 i'm sad, and mad, and frustrated about covid. i feel like i've spent months grieving what this year was supposed to be, my first year as a mom, theo's first year of life, all the things we were supposed to do, just gone, because of covid.  and yeah, i'm mad at some people for being selfish; being selfish is always the easiest route because you don't have to think about anyone else in the process. 

and i know that other people feel this way. i also know that there are so many people who have it way worse than we do in our family. but i'm still sad, and i'm giving myself space to just sit there, in sadness, to grieve the losses of this past 11 months of what was supposed to be. and to try to be hopeful for the future.

i hope one day, that we look back, and we tell stories to our babies who are grown, about this hard time, this blip in our life, that in 5 years we won't really think about. but for now, i'm mad at some people, and i'm mad about covid. 

love, jess

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